Hello? How are you all? Hope all is well.
It’s been such a while isn’t it? (always started with that, I’m sorry) I’ve been so caught up with my full-time job and part-time job. Seems like I’m complaining but yet I’m also grateful I have something to get my times passed. The reason I wanted to write this down is because I’ve been going through lots of thoughts on my mind and I’m tired going into denial stages.
Started off with my work, I'm a relationship manager at a bank and it is very related to target’s achievement. I’ve been hypnotising myself that all is well and I could achieve the targets but I just feel that I’ve been lacking so much and I don’t know when can it ever be enough. I really am trying my best. My side-job that I love doing but I can’t give my best due to some circumstances. Last but not least, my life that I thought has been well but I don’t know whether all is well or it’s just me trying to remains positive. I have faith that everything will be well, God is there and He’ll get me through this. But sometimes the world’s voices are too much and just whispered too harshly trying to shake the faith.
One word to describe my current condition: numb. I’m at the phase where I’m numb. I don’t know whether I’m happy, sad or anxious. I used to be very anxious when I haven’t get my work done but now I’m just “okay”. Typing this I have no emotion even though my physical situation tells I’m anxious (tremor hands & painful body aches here and there & heart beating super fast & typo everywhere (well you can’t tell now as I fix it on my last checking)). I’m trying to figure what is happening in my life. As hard to admit but I’m not going to deny it that I’m not okay.
When BTS released the Life Goes On song, I didn’t know the meaning yet but as I watched the video, I shed tears. After searching for the meaning, this part hits so bad “There’s no end in sight, is there a way out? My feet refuses to move” I feel like no words could describe my current situation better than this. I refused to move forward cause I’m too afraid on what’s next and whether I’m ready to bear all the uncertainty. I'm even afraid of facing tomorrow. I’ve been planting my heart with the words from my pastor “Be Alert -> Be Prepare -> Anticipate -> Ready for What’s Next -> It’s Gonna Be Okay, It Is Well With My Soul” I’ve been shaken.
Right now, I’ve prayed and really surrendered my life to God. Trusting Him in all steps of my life, let Him process and turning me into a person He wish I become. It’s okay. Do not worry cause cause God is my strength and His power will sustain me. Also as what BTS said “like an echo in the forest, the day will come back around, as if nothing happened, yeah life goes on”.
I hope whoever reading this are all well and if you are not okay, just a kind reminder that this too shall pass. Sounds super cliche but it’s the only motivation that could helps us get through. Find something that could make you happy or even pause and take a breath and rest for a while. You’ve did so well. Give yourself a pat on the shoulders. As I’m typing this also serves as a reminder to myself to get through. It may seems hard but always be grateful in all situations.
*Ps. I may or may not be aware or on my straight mind when I’m typing this. So if it’s confusing to comprehend the above narrations, let me know. I just keep on typing what’s on my mind or what just popped in my head.
