As A Robinson Crusoe

Agashe.Co's Sandal & Bucket Hat ~ HM's Sunnies & Canvas Bag ~ Jochebed.Id's Cooky Fan

Aye Mates!

How are you? I hope all is well.

As for myself, lots of things happened ever since my last post or in other words "after 23".

First, I resigned from my last job and company and move to other company (still a bank doe #banker lol.. nope). 25th October was my last day and marked my 1 year 5 months working in the previous bank. To be very honest, I don't know how to feel. I'm excited for the new adventure and challenges but at the same I'm quite heavy-hearted leaving the bank, it's been like my comfort zone (even though the job desc is quite risky lol but the people has always been like a family for me). This mixed feelings are just so weird and hard to digest especially I just started my new job (by the time I'm writing this, I'm on my 2nd day btw), can't help but feeling somehow homesick? Yes, you may laugh at me for saying homesick right after resigning. It taught me loads of stuff theoretically and emotionally. Felt like it shaped me to the person I am now (?) woww~ can't believe I said that. 

Second, I started working at other bank. I joined their MT (Management Trainee) Program to become a RM (Relationship Manager). Inspired by the peoples from the previous bank, trying to challenge myself to becoming a RM as well. I'm currently on my 2nd day of training or working and had loads of doubts already HAHAHAHAAA I adore you dear RM and every single soul in my previous bank for doing this as your daily job #lebaychelle but tbh I'm still struggling and trying to comprehend every single things given, like it's really challenging because it's something out of my comfort zone but nope, not trying to give up but I'll try to give my best and let God do the rest and He placed me here and I believe He has His plan for me here #AMEN

Third, can't you believe it but I've been less Bucin (Budak Cinta = Love Slave) for Kpop lately HAHAHAHAAA. I don't know how to feel tbh. It's been such a while since the last time I stalk BTS, Kang Daniel, DPR, Gray, etc on Instagram and Twitter. I don't know why, this is weird like this is so not Michelle Sanjaya the Bucin. I used to be very update on what's been going around my bias' life but not anymore like I rarely know what's up these days. Maybe I've been living under the rock lately?

Fourth, I go private on my Instagram! Yes, you read it correctly "Private" no longer business profile "Blogger" for @michellesanjaya. Why? Even my family asked me this, so let me explain here. For me having the title "Blogger", I feel pressured I guess? Like having these 3/3 photos that matched on the feeds, the filter to match the whole mood or feeds, the pressure on how I look or present myself in the photos, my mom too like to brag to her friends "ey my daughter is a blogger leh". Well actually no one pressure me directly but my own thoughts indirectly pressure my own self? I don't know how to put this into words. Also when I had my business profile, I knew how many people visited my profile but WHY YOU DON'T FOLLOW ME LAH? HAHAHAAA no lah, just kidding, just feel like for the first time I want to go private with my life because of this words that I stumbled upon Dean's Instagram MV:

"These days knowing more makes you more miserable"

"Posting these photos but no one knows my hidden feelings behind it"

"Sometimes I feel alone even when I'm with lots of people, like Robinson Crusoe"

Dean, it's very deep and just hit so right. It's so true, especially when I posted all of my photos stock where I'm on hip places looking cool and enjoying my life but in reality I'm just in my office. working overtime. procrastinating. lol. Almost none of my stories were also real time these days because I'm trying to live the moment and just spend quality time with the loved ones or purely enjoying myself instead of thinking the filters, editing, caption for it right that time. Even tough some are also real time due to certain events. One thing I want to inform you is don't judge people from their Instagram because you don't know the what happened behind a photo. Don't let the internet rush you because everything looks perfect on Instagram because no one is posting their failure on Instagram.

I should stop here. I could go on until dawn probably. Yes. I wrote too much. But I'm open to comments, let me know what'd you think, let's exchange thoughts? I would love to hear from your point of view. Surprise me and let's be friend~

Thank you and have a great day

-Cheers, Michelle

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Carousell & Snapchat: Booitsmichelle

Before 23

Aye Mates!
How are you? I really am a bad blogger for not posting here in such a while and my last posts are mostly endorsed and PR gifts. Which I personally felt bad because for not being the person who used to, talk about certain topics and random stuffs, feel like not being genuine to you and even to myself. I'm to be honest very disappointed with myself. I'm typing this on my blog because I'm turning 23 tomorrow and today I felt lots of thoughts just runs through my mind (almost like self-reflection) and now I just want to pour it all out here.

Time flies so fast without you even realizing it. A minute you're awake, starts your day, do your routine (school, working, living) and close your eyes to sleep. 24 hours is a very short amount of time without you even knowing and realizing it. The last year of being 22 has been like this for me:
- 6.12 AM: Wake up
- 7 AM: En route to office
- 7. 38 AM: Arrived
- 8 AM: Starts my work
- 12 PM: Lunch
- 5 PM: Suppose to be finishing my job but I work overtime
- 8 PM: The earliest for my overtime
- 9-10 PM: Finished my work
- 10.40 PM: Arrived back at home
- 11.30 PM: Go to sleep
Yes, the minutes could be exact, feels like a robot being under certain program.

I spent more than half of my day working and sometimes I feel lonely because every time my friends asked me to go out or hang with them my reply will be "I'm working overtime today". When my grandma and parents gave me a call throughout the day I will usually replied them fast "I'm working talk to you guys later.. Yes I'll go home late". Due to going home late everyday actually my health has been dropping too. Don't get me wrong, I love my job I really do that's why I wouldn't mind working overtime or maybe because I feel a huge responsibilities toward my job that's why that has become my priority. It even makes me dream about it when I go to sleep at night. I'm the type of person that will do overthinking even the slightest thing and most of the times are negative thoughts that tries to consume and eats me. That's why being busy makes me so happy sometimes because it gives me zero chance to think other than my job. Yes call me whatever you want. This is the first time writing and telling public about this. I'm known to be very positive-happy-go-lucky-girl when sometimes I can't be like that instead when the door is shut and it's just me and my thoughts. It's completely opposite. But due to my work all I can think is that job and makes me forgot that I have something that I treasures so much, my family, my friends, blogging and making youtube videos.

Maybe last month was the point when I came to realization that "You Can Work But You Need To Live For Yourself Too". As what Amy Lee from Vagabond Youth said, "There are far more nourishing currencies in life beyond money and attention and the only luxuries we truly have is time. Time with our loved ones, time to heal, time to ourselves. For no amount of money, power or status can buy any human more. We are often take for granted those who we think we'll have a lifetime with but the biggest mistake we can make is not expressing the love we have while we have it". This really hits me especially I felt that because I've been so tired from 5 days of working and so over the weekend I usually have zero energy to talk and do anything with my family. I felt really bad toward my grandma, she's been there since I was born and for 22 years of my life and I always have the thoughts she'll be with me forever. But after what Amy said hits me and makes me realized that she's not getting any younger and all that's left, I supposed to be the one in return makes her happy and makes her feels proud of me but with me working and having zero energy for anything, I don't think I'm near to makes her happy.

Right now, my ultimate goal after turning 23 is to just live for myself. I want to be happy and content with my life and my surrounding. I don't want to feel insecure. I want to make more memories with my loved ones. I just want to be genuinely positive and happy with myself. My target is to have the work life balance lives. Not going back home as late as usual (8 max), not going to overthink about stuffs (especially for work related), not going to say yes to everything.

From my experience, I want to tell you, it's okay to put yourself first before all things. You deserve to be happy. After all, you went through a lot. You have live this long, you made it, you should be proud but don't forget give thank to the one who gave you permission to live, God. Pray daily, ask everything in the name of Jesus and trust me all is well. The key to my happiness and all the above is God's blessings. I managed to live for 22 years is only by God's grace, I'm not saying it's because of how well I am. So for turning 23 in less than 24 hours all is because of God's grace and I pray through my life being 23 may God bless me as well and walk with me throughout every chapters of my life. Amen. Don't forget to be happy, live for yourself, speak yourself and love yourself. As what BTS said "I'm learning how to love myself", well you should too. Whatever you're going through right now, all the best for you and stay strong, you'll get it through.

Thank you for reading this far :)

-Cheers, Michelle
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Snapchat & Carousell: Booitsmichelle

Weightless

Zara's Shirt ~ H&M's Jeans ~ Versace's Bag ~ Stradivarius' Heels

“Don’t carry your burden all the time ‘cause we don’t live here all the time too.” -Ps. J. E. Awondatu

Aye Mates!

How’s your new year so far? Sorry for not posting in a while, loads of things happened and I just got no time to be active on blog and youtube. Mine has been quite all over the place but in amidst of everything, I want to say that I’m still grateful. 

I started the year being sick and not feeling well (mentally lol). Now my thesis proposal is in the stake of getting rejected from my department associates (update: IT GOT ACCEPTED PRAISE THE LORD!). I haven’t even get the permission letter to do the observation (update: I change my title so I don't need that permission letter anymore). I guess I’m too stress out that it makes me more emotional, I tried to hold it inside but it just makes my heart hurt so bad. Like I’m not kidding I even thought I have some kind of a chronic disease lol. Because it always felt like my heart being stabbed by thousand needles. 

On the first week of Sunday I went to church and I don’t know why but the sermon really hits me in the face. My pastor stated that this year is the year of walking weightlessly. He said that God knows what we’ve been through, don’t think that we, human walk on this earth carrying all of our burden by ourselves. It’s new year, so learn to leave behind our burden and past that slow us down to God. Burden can be our fears, worries, regrets, guilt and all these negativity that tries to consume you. We came from God and He’s trying to said to us that “your problem is MY problem too. Don’t think I can’t feel your sorrow and sadness, you come from Me.”

I know this post is so all over the place from the start I’m being so negative with my life but then afterward I’m writing this motivational and positive words from my church. But hey it’s all about balance, you get the good and bad in life. I myself to be honest is slowly recovering from all this anxiety attack that tries to eat my mind with all this negativity, I'm not saying it's gone, it's still there but I know God provides and always take care of me. For whoever hurting now, hang in there, this too shall pass. Even tough I tried to reminds myself too, fighting! Good luck :)

// Watch My Latest Vid HERE //

-Cheers, Michelle

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Snapchat & Carousell: Booitsmichelle

Your Feelings #AMwithChelle

Agashe.Co's Dress ~ The Little Things She Needs' Bag ~ HM's Slip-On ~ Tory Burch's Bracelet

No matter how hard it is, don’t show your feelings

Because darlings these days,

There is no trust and humanity, Human sucks

Learn how to fake a smile and how to force a laugh,

Because it’s so much easier than explaining what’s wrong with you.

Aye Mates!

Let’s do #AMwithChelle for today post. #AMwithChelle is a series where I’ll be posting what’s been on my mind late at night or before I go to sleep, let’s just says it’s not that beautiful and kinda dark. I’ve been battling with my 3AM thoughts lately. Well all the time to be honest. I deal with my 3AM thoughts since I was in junior high. I know it’s weird for a person like me to write positive encouraging words like my previous post. But I’m a human too. I broke down too, at one day I can be the most positive person but one day I can be the most negative person ever. Especially during my period, I’m the most sensitive and emotional person ever. I cried all the time because of these 3AM thoughts. But that’s life rite?

One of them is regarding how to express my true feelings to people with no fear of being judge. One night I thought to myself whether what I said or done has ever hurt people or they actually secretly judging and hating on me. What if my stories and my thoughts annoy people I asked myself. Then I thought isn’t it better to just get along with people? Instead of arguing with my own opinion why don’t I just go with what they think? Isn’t it easier to fake a smile and force a laugh?

I’m afraid I’ll end up losing the people I love if I don’t go with their opinions. Even though they never said anything about it but my brain have its own thoughts. I tried my best to express my own self and feelings day by day. But deep inside I kept on thinking whether I did something wrong or no. I know I said what other’s think about you doesn’t matter but what if my 3AM thoughts keep on haunting me? I shake it off millions of times but I guess I’m only human. Sadness is a part of feelings rite? You can’t be happy all the time, this is life. It’s a fact.

Any thoughts mates? Much appreciated doe.

-Cheer, Michelle

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Snapchat & Carousell: Booitsmichelle

Boombayah

Uniqlo's Polo ~ Cotton On's Skirt ~ New Look's Platform Shoes ~ Gifted Bag from Japan

Aye Mates!

How are you? How's life? Hope y'all doin fine. I myself have been doing fine. Last week I went to Q2HAN's meet and greet here in Indonesia with my URL friends, Grace, Ci Mei, Lystia and even made some new friends there, that's cool haha. Qjin and Qwon are so cute in real life, I managed to vlog throughout that day and event, vlog will be up soon on my youtube channel ;;)

For this look I'm fully inspired by my current fave kpop girl group, yes, you guess it right, BLACKPINK IN UR AREA. Gosh I can't believe I just typed that lol but that line is so iconic and really stuck in my brain the whole time. They're image is so girl crush and very tumblr-ish, with all those tennis skirt, fishnets, boots, choker, crop top, knee-high socks and much more. Like everything are my fave fashion pieces, it's just that I've been evolving into more girlier style lately. I scrolled to my gallery and found this photos that were taken two months ago and I can't help posting it because I just finished watching Blackpink's TV and just got some inspiration to make this post. This look gives out a school girl vibe and rebel kind of feeling? HAHA I don't know doe. What'd ya think about it? Am I ready to be the fifth member of Blackpink? HAHAHAHA #forgiveme #justkidding 

I usually never watch any girl group's MV unless it's very tumblrish or catchy song or iconic (?) this is my first time watching all the MVs for a girl group. All their songs are super catchy especially Boombayah and As If It's Your Last, I'm in love with everything about it. Especially the live performances, their stage outfits looks so bomb! If you're wondering who's my bias in Blackpink, to be honest I can't choose. But if to put in order, the members that always catch my eyes will always be Jennie Kim-Lisa-Rose-Jisoo. There you go. I really can't wait for Blackpink's next comeback. Anyway who's your fave singer or band or boy/girl group? Let me know, I'm curious! :)

*ps. I'll talk about my faves boy group soon HEHE

// Watch My Latest Video HERE //

-Cheers, Michelle

Instagram | Youtube | Twitter | Pinterest | My Online Shop

Snapchat & Carousell: Booitsmichelle

Thank You 2017

Tailored Made Shirt ~ Vintage Esprit's Pants ~ @Peonyjewel.ID's Earrings ~ Gifted Bag ~ Slip-on Loafers courtesy of my aunt

Aye Mates!

How’s your 2017 so far? Can’t believe it’s almost the end of 2017, time did flies really fast. 2017 had been good but it’s not always happy, sunshine and rainbow like those tales in storybook. Sometimes life can be mean to us eh? Well but that’s life. You can’t expect your life to be a perfect kdramas, life is like a wheel. Where at some point we feel so high and on the top of the world then in just a split of time we went low and hit the rock bottom. If I’m not mistaken there’s a song that has a lyric like “what comes up must come down”, life is seriously as fair as that.

My 2017 has been nothing but weird lol. What I meant by weird is my emotional. At one day I started off my day feeling so happy and energetic but then in couple of hours I feel so tired and drained and my mood just drop and I feel like not doing anything. What I hate the most from that is I became more emotional that my brain was filled with all these negativity, I remembered all the worst side of me that made me blamed myself, when have my days like that it just really shows on my face (I have restless bitch face btw I know, people said that all the time) that people said that I looks so mean when I didn’t mean to. All of a sudden I just feel so depressed. 

Now I don’t really want to use the word “depressed” after what happen to SHINEE’s Jonghyun. When the news came I seriously can’t accept the fact, I love SHINEE but not as much as BTS, Jonghyun committed suicide leaving a letter behind stating that he’s depressed and he just want someone to tell that he did good. I used to think I’m depressed because of my situation that I stated before, I even cut but I’m not bold enough to actually cut it so deep. I’m tired but yet I don’t want to feel pain even for the last time ha! I’m such a coward huh? That’s why I really can’t accept the fact that Jonghyun committed suicide because of his depression. I mean he’s rich duh, fans love him, whatever he want he could have it. But then I remembered money can’t always bring happiness, there are still some things that don’t required money, love, happiness, peace and all things like that. I’ll talk more about my depression and all that stuff in a separate blog or video if you’re interested let me know.

I’m doing a what I’m grateful for 2017 and what I want to achieve in 2018 video soon on my channel Booitsmichelle, subscribe so you’ll get the latest update from me. I’m so grateful for 2017 because I still get through another year and given a chance to start again every day. What are you grateful for 2017? Let me know, I’m curious! 

To sum up: Thank you so much 2017, you had been great and for now I'm gonna restart and can't wait to write loads of my personal thoughts on a blank page or even book :)

-Cheer, Michelle

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Hang in There

H&M's Dress & Choker ~ Vans Shoes ~ Thrifted Parka

Aye Mates!

How’s life? Mine has been okay I guess. Still struggling with my thesis proposal doe, but at least I am determined that I’m going to do qualitative research based thesis since I’m not that good with math but yet I’m an accounting student lol. So that’s for the update of my life. How about yours? Let me know, I’m curious!

As from my last video “Office Look Makeup Tutorial + WorkingFrom Home vs Going to The Office #ChellesThoughts”, ps go click the link and watch it, don’t forget to give it a thumbs up and subscribe to join me familia. I created a new series called #ChellesThoughts, it’s about my personal thoughts regarding certain topics and yesterday I talked about working from home compared to going to the office. I personally prefer going to the office since I have the excuse to buy new clothes for work lol even tough working from home is the best thing on earth since you don’t have to wake up early in the morning (talking about flexible working hours). Going to the office here for me means working for a company, I prefer that because I get stable income and I think that what’s really matter to me. Working from home here means being a full-time blogger and youtuber etc, I know some of you here earns more by doing blog and youtube rather than basic workers, but since I’m not that famous (HA!) I don’t really earn much #letsbereal. 

The reason why I’m doing blog and youtube at the first place is because I just want to channel out my personal style and photography. Since I’m very interested with fashion, photography, beauty and writing ever since I was a kid. Blogging and youtube channel are my platforms to channel out all of that, at first I didn’t know that people notice my blog or ever read it, I’m doing it purely just for fun. When I first started blogging some of my friends talk said nasty stuff and I was afraid that they’ll unfriend me so I took a break and wrote down my blog on private. As I grow up I realized why hide when this is what I’m good at, this is me and the only thing I can be proud of so I started to make my blog public gain. Who knows turns out there are people that share the same interest and stories as I do. I’m really grateful for every single one of you that read my blog and watches me on my youtube channel. Who knows from blogging and youtube I could make some virtual friends (I’m very socially awkward unicorn in real life) here and it’s so much fun! So yes I never thought of earning income from blogging and youtube. I’m so thankful as well for all brands that ever collabing with me. 

If I could go back and time travel, here’s what I would say to my 12-years-old self “hang in there! Just keep doing what you always do. As long as it makes you happy, just do it. What others said about you and your life doesn’t really matter. There will always be people that hate your or jealous of you, you can’t always please everyone and it’s okay. Be yourself no matter what. It’s your life. Make the most out of it.”

This is quite a long post eh? Wish could write longer version of history of TheSwaggieUnicorn, what’d ya think? Let me know and have a great day ahead.

-Cheer, Michelle

Instagram | Youtube | Twitter | Pinterest | My Online Shop

Snapchat & Carousell: Booitsmichelle