How are you? I really am a bad blogger for not posting here in such a while and my last posts are mostly endorsed and PR gifts. Which I personally felt bad because for not being the person who used to, talk about certain topics and random stuffs, feel like not being genuine to you and even to myself. I'm to be honest very disappointed with myself. I'm typing this on my blog because I'm turning 23 tomorrow and today I felt lots of thoughts just runs through my mind (almost like self-reflection) and now I just want to pour it all out here.
Time flies so fast without you even realizing it. A minute you're awake, starts your day, do your routine (school, working, living) and close your eyes to sleep. 24 hours is a very short amount of time without you even knowing and realizing it. The last year of being 22 has been like this for me:
- 6.12 AM: Wake up
- 7 AM: En route to office
- 7. 38 AM: Arrived
- 8 AM: Starts my work
- 12 PM: Lunch
- 5 PM: Suppose to be finishing my job but I work overtime
- 8 PM: The earliest for my overtime
- 9-10 PM: Finished my work
- 10.40 PM: Arrived back at home
- 11.30 PM: Go to sleep
Yes, the minutes could be exact, feels like a robot being under certain program.
I spent more than half of my day working and sometimes I feel lonely because every time my friends asked me to go out or hang with them my reply will be "I'm working overtime today". When my grandma and parents gave me a call throughout the day I will usually replied them fast "I'm working talk to you guys later.. Yes I'll go home late". Due to going home late everyday actually my health has been dropping too. Don't get me wrong, I love my job I really do that's why I wouldn't mind working overtime or maybe because I feel a huge responsibilities toward my job that's why that has become my priority. It even makes me dream about it when I go to sleep at night. I'm the type of person that will do overthinking even the slightest thing and most of the times are negative thoughts that tries to consume and eats me. That's why being busy makes me so happy sometimes because it gives me zero chance to think other than my job. Yes call me whatever you want. This is the first time writing and telling public about this. I'm known to be very positive-happy-go-lucky-girl when sometimes I can't be like that instead when the door is shut and it's just me and my thoughts. It's completely opposite. But due to my work all I can think is that job and makes me forgot that I have something that I treasures so much, my family, my friends, blogging and making youtube videos.
Maybe last month was the point when I came to realization that "You Can Work But You Need To Live For Yourself Too". As what Amy Lee from Vagabond Youth said, "There are far more nourishing currencies in life beyond money and attention and the only luxuries we truly have is time. Time with our loved ones, time to heal, time to ourselves. For no amount of money, power or status can buy any human more. We are often take for granted those who we think we'll have a lifetime with but the biggest mistake we can make is not expressing the love we have while we have it". This really hits me especially I felt that because I've been so tired from 5 days of working and so over the weekend I usually have zero energy to talk and do anything with my family. I felt really bad toward my grandma, she's been there since I was born and for 22 years of my life and I always have the thoughts she'll be with me forever. But after what Amy said hits me and makes me realized that she's not getting any younger and all that's left, I supposed to be the one in return makes her happy and makes her feels proud of me but with me working and having zero energy for anything, I don't think I'm near to makes her happy.
Right now, my ultimate goal after turning 23 is to just live for myself. I want to be happy and content with my life and my surrounding. I don't want to feel insecure. I want to make more memories with my loved ones. I just want to be genuinely positive and happy with myself. My target is to have the work life balance lives. Not going back home as late as usual (8 max), not going to overthink about stuffs (especially for work related), not going to say yes to everything.
From my experience, I want to tell you, it's okay to put yourself first before all things. You deserve to be happy. After all, you went through a lot. You have live this long, you made it, you should be proud but don't forget give thank to the one who gave you permission to live, God. Pray daily, ask everything in the name of Jesus and trust me all is well. The key to my happiness and all the above is God's blessings. I managed to live for 22 years is only by God's grace, I'm not saying it's because of how well I am. So for turning 23 in less than 24 hours all is because of God's grace and I pray through my life being 23 may God bless me as well and walk with me throughout every chapters of my life. Amen. Don't forget to be happy, live for yourself, speak yourself and love yourself. As what BTS said "I'm learning how to love myself", well you should too. Whatever you're going through right now, all the best for you and stay strong, you'll get it through.
Thank you for reading this far :)
-Cheers, Michelle
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